Hold Me Tight: An expert guide for BDSM beginners

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Today, interest in BDSM practices has grown more than ever. Although the Marquis de Sade, Pauline Reage, Paulo Coelho and others have written about it. Art cinema has not ignored such practices either. Let us recall “Venus in fur”, “Nine and a half weeks”, “Fifty shades of gray” or the sensational film “365 days”. With the expert, they tried to understand the basic principles of this sexual practice.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is a term that signifies relationships built on the basis of domination on the one hand and subordination on the other. It was introduced in 1969 by Paul Gebhard and was used for the first time in his essay “Fetishism and Sadomasochism”, however, such practices were popular in ancient Greece and Japan. Scientists suggest that the Middle Ages, when the exalted love for a woman was praised, its deification, served as an impetus for the spread of BDSM throughout Europe. The woman was not only loved, she was adored, delivered to all whims (including those who were ready to obey unconditionally) and served.

BDSM can be divided into three groups.

• BD (Bondage & Discipline) – connecting, limiting and nourishing. Emotional impact, but often without intense physical pain • DS (Domination & Submission) – domination and submission. The emotional impact associated with changing roles. One partner takes responsibility for the other, requiring submission • SM (Sadism and Masochism) – sadism and masochism. Direct infliction and reception of physical pain. For the implementation, special devices are used. Roles are defined, but actions cannot be accompanied by moral humiliation.

The purpose of all that is happening is to please the participants in the process.

In fact, this practice does not necessarily include sex – certain actions and foreplay sometimes excite much more than the intercourse itself. Binding your partner, becoming a sex slave, whipping, tying a chain around his neck and crawling on all fours are just a few examples of various thematic stories for BDSM,

– explains sex expert Annabelle Knight.

Principles

Three main rules: security, voluntary character and reasonableness. BDSM is built on reciprocity and the agreement of all the actors in the process, there is no question of coercion or violence. Remember the film “50 shades of gray”, where the main characters signed a kind of contract. This emphasis on informed consent is paramount in BDSM. Before practicing BDSM, you should discuss all the nuances with a partner, define the limits of the action and choose a stop word. But first.

Many people think that BDSM is an unrestricted practice, but it is not at all, “says Vanessa Marine, a sex therapist from Los Angeles.

The safety principle means that the upper (or dominant) part takes responsibility for the lower (submissive) part, controls its condition and feels a fine line between risk and pleasure, so as not to threaten life and health.

The principle of volunteering implies that the people themselves accept all experiences. You can say no at any time.

The principle of rationality means that you must approach training with maximum responsibility and always prioritize health. You cannot go beyond what is allowed.

Stop word

It is usual to introduce a stop word in advance, which ensures that the current session (this is what BDSM practice is called) stops immediately if something starts to get out of control and let the person say, “says Annabel.

It could be a word unrelated to gender, for example, “pineapple”. Typically, the lower partner uses the stop word, but the upper partner can also say it. The basic requirement is that it cannot be pronounced by chance. In the United States, the word “anteater” (anteater) is traditionally used.

Traffic light system

Each color (by analogy with a traffic light) personifies what a person feels and what he wants.

Red means “stop,” then the partner must immediately stop everything they do.

Yellow means “slow down”, which means that the limit is reached or that the partner feels physical discomfort.

Green means you can keep going when you like everything and everyone is absolutely comfortable.

What does it mean to be dominant or submissive?

According to the expert, you must first decide who will play the dominant role and who will obey. It is very important for both to exchange the two roles and to play both roles. In BDSM, the upper part is the dominant partner and the lower (submissive) part is the one who obeys. However, the one at the bottom can also force you to perform certain actions of your choice and even insist on a role change, explains Annabel.

It is important to remember that, by assuming the role of “inferior”, you are not giving your lover a carte blanche to use you as he sees fit, “explains the expert.

If at any point during sex or playing BDSM you feel that the partner is crossing the line, you should tell them how you feel. It is necessary to raise this issue if something causes discomfort, she says.

Annabelle explains that the position of a humble lover is based on trust and training. It means “giving the reins of government of your mind and body to a partner.” Being submissive means giving up control, but at the same time, of course, you still have the right to vote. The “superior” partner must have a minimum knowledge of anatomy and medicine in general (first aid skills are desirable), training in the use of the “device” used, compliance with the safety procedures recommended in specific cases, general caution and attention. For some practices, for example, playing piercing (piercing the surface of the skin with needles), special training and a lot of practice are necessary.

Senior learn first to play piercing on oranges, then on chilled chicken, then train on their own thigh,

– says Tatyana Nikonova.

For lovers of shibari (Japanese art of bookbinding), there are even whole schools. The program for one of these metropolitan educational institutions consists of four lessons that will lead a beginner from basic skills to the ability to make simple suspensions. The Shibari masters say that it is also possible to learn the technique online, but many nuances are important: the thickness and material of the rope, the tensile force, the direction and location of the rope on the body of the model, the attachment point, the bonding force. Therefore, it is easier to do it yourself once than watching videos on the Internet.

BDSM and sex toys for beginners

Annabelle urges novice couples not to use accessories, sex toys and equipment for the first few times, but to focus completely on the other.

It takes time to get used to the role of the dominant lover, ”explains the expert.

The popularity of bondage toys has exploded in the past two years. So, as soon as you are ready to use sex toys and accessories, you will be spoiled for choice!

Headbands, handcuffs, bondage kits, gags, masks, whips, collars, swings, ties – it is worth experimenting.

Rejoice and have fun

It’s important to remember that this is a game. It’s just another way to have fun exploring what you haven’t tried before, and it’s important to keep that in mind. mind. As with everything that happens in the bedroom, this should be the main priority: fun, expert notes.

To have fun, it is best to be relaxed and always respect your partner.

Psychological aspect

Surveys at the University of Tilburg have shown that people who practice BDSM are more balanced. It turned out that lovers of whips, gags and latex suits showed more endurance, the ability to deal with negative emotions, openness and sensitivity. According to a large Dutch study, people who practice BDSM are psychologically healthier than others.

It is assumed that BDSM is the same form of sexual activity as any other, therefore people start to engage in it in order to relax. The previously prevalent position that whiskers try to compensate for injury and violence in children in this way is not particularly confirmed by research, and the average BDSM practitioner shows the best indicators of social functioning, said psychotherapist Ivan Chistyakov.

There are people who practice mainly in the field of domination and submission. They are more likely to experience pleasure from the very fact of inequality with their partner, control and power over them, and the responsibility that comes from that power. They like to feel their importance, their importance ”, commented the expert.

Sometimes a serious man wants humiliation, because in life he takes on too many responsibilities and sometimes needs a psycho-emotional discharge. Such a man simply wants to discharge his responsibilities, obey, feel his defenselessness and give the reins of government.

Partners need to understand that this is just a game and a method of psychological discharge, and they keep their original roles in the family after such experiences.

Subordinate to the bed, a man does not become garbage, pecked. He remains an attentive, strong and powerful husband and father. The dominant woman in sex is the same tender and tender female caretaker, a loving mother and a good wife, experts say.

According to various estimates, from 2% to 65% of the population is subject to BDSM. Typically, the reason for this trend is not the experience of childhood injury and violence. Experts say BDSM practices don’t interfere and, in some cases, even help build close, trusting relationships between partners. For years, psychologists have considered the pathology and deviation of sadomasochism. Then a wave of criticism fell on the BDSM community from representatives of radical feminism.

Many put an equal sign between practice and behavior in real life, but it should be remembered that BDSM is just a game where both play according to the same rules.

In no case should you get involved with a man who claims that all women are inherently inclined to be inferior, not to mention the dangers of sadism, multiplied by sexism. At a minimum, such a person adjusts the ideological basis under the right to lead a woman to the kitchen or to bed on request, ”writes Tatyana Nikonova.

It is traditionally believed that “superiors” are exclusively representatives of the stronger sex. However, judging by the many messages on the forums, this is far from the case.

Not all guys want tenderness, many want a prostate massage and lick someone’s heel, writes the girl.

Where to start?

The safest and most common method is restrictive (according to surveys, 46% of men and 52% of women dream of it). Experts in the field recommend using a rope made of natural fibers, such as cotton. You can take vinyl tape, and for the lazy there are transformer belts, they are used to fix the wrists and ankles.

Back to the simple rope option. To start with complicated knots, you do not have to knit, always keep scissors with round ends nearby to release the “captive”: as soon as possible. Follow the two fingers rule: to be able to easily put two fingers between the rope and the body (this distance is sufficient so that there is no bruising).

Handcuffs are generally more practical to use. There are models with wrists (with velcro) so that the “lower” partner cannot touch them. Handcuffs are also useful for orgasm-prolonging experiences.

Another harmless practice is the use of hot wax. But it is better to pour wax on the partner’s body not with an ordinary candle (it may be too hot), but with a special massage. They burn at lower temperatures, then turn into a luxurious oil that can be used for erotic massage.

The second simple option is to use clothespins. You can wear them on the skin, ear lobes, nipples or scrotum (or lips). To use it simply – just remove it suddenly without opening it, or put it until it is slightly numb, and then carefully remove it. There are a lot of options in a sex shop, but the most recommended are with round tips and adjustable width, so as not to feel pain. And do not forget the safety rules: watch the time (do not hold the clothespins for a long time), there should not be strong redness and blueing at the tightening points. Be especially careful if you have piercings.

If you are ready to take the next level, buy a gag. It is used by the dominant to silence the “inferior”. This can be very exciting and will allow you to express your wishes non-verbally.

Finally, flogging. The leather whips are very elegant and of different models (children will not ask what it is if they find a whip). Start with the fleshy areas, like the buttocks or thighs, and avoid the less protected areas, like the lower back. For money and security, it’s a good idea to clap your hands first before you buy toys for games.

Simple knots, flexible and secure handcuffs, tight ribbons are unlikely to frighten and cause rejection. You do not need to buy toys: clothespins, a toothbrush, candle wax, a tie – all this will help you. Connect your imagination when you’re ready for an erotic experience!

Based on materials: www.spletnik.ru

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